Violence

I had two experiences this week that reminded me of what it feels like to be powerless - I did BJJ for the second time in my life on Monday and I had a very difficult shift with Samaritans on Tuesday.

Background: Samaritans is an organization that offers a helpline for those in psychological crisis. I’ve been volunteering with them for 4 horus a week for more than a year now, racking up hundreds of hours on the phone talking to people in various states of psychological distress. The unique challenges of running a service for the public are not lost on me - it’s a lot of what I did in the private enterprise world too.

But the challenges felt heavier the past few weeks. There were a few calls which realy made me question my faith. One caller wanted a line where no one mentions suicide or mental illness because they didn’t want those kinds of ideas getting into their head. Another was just hostile and said that we’re stealing money and ruining the world. Another seemed entitled to my time and insulted the service after I told them I had to go. Another was a group of pranksters who would make everything sexually explicit in a few minutes. By themselves, none of these calls were difficult but it was a flurry of attacks that came on the heels of some surprising news about a NYC Googler who passed away, likely to suicide, and the realities of living in an increasingly despairing San Francisco.

I didn’t have a full toolkit to respond to these callers because my own thoughts had been churning. What am I dong on a national service line when there are very clear problems in my locality that I can at least try to address? What kind of world is it where people who need help…don’t reach for it…but others, in less immediate need, do? I found this, on the whole made me feel helpless. On balance, I know I have helped people and aside from that, I know Samaritans has helped me to broaden my perspective. But the feeling of just how hard it is to run something helpful…

I had a good conversation with someone at the organization who helped contextualize a lot of the work we do and reminded me that it is always OK to step away from the phones. There are other things to do too! I haven’t decided one way or the other. I haven’t felt this disregulated in quite some time, so I’m going to return to equilibrium before I make any big decisions.

The other experience was BJJ - Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Dora got really into it after watching a Korean show called Physical 100. It reminded her of her judo years and she signed up for a class full of wrestling, grappling and choking. I joined her for one of the classes and was paired up with a very experienced person. I did really well in the mechanical portion of the class - where I’m supposed to follow instructions on where to place my arm and how to pin my opponent. If it was a dance class, I would have done fairly well. But once we entered into sparring, all that practice went out the window and most importantly, the adrenaline just made me freeze. I didn’t know how to use my strength when amped up with heart beating fast. I felt like my muscles had no pump. My sparring partner recognized what was happening and told me I was panicking, that I just needed to breathe and not freak out. But it was difficult - I was spending enormous effort mentally holding myself back from using my own strength. This was almost ceratinly a relic of how I grew up and how I taught myself the world works - that there is no safe place for me to really unleash and say or do whatever I feel.

Helplessness is a layered on top with humiliation and anger. As I processed this week’s events, I peeled the onion of my emotions to experience each one in turn, with anger always being the scariest and most pungent one, I felt a deeper and more distressing helplessness - that I had done this exact cycle of emotional processing before, countless times - including after my first-ever BJJ class. It’s less painful than it used to be, but I am also tired of being in this cycle. I wish I made different mistakes this time - going too far, being too reactive. I wish I was peeling a different fruit. I hope one day, I can make peace with thefact that there is violence and anger in all of us…